NYC here we come! AGAIN

The countdown to Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators 2011 Winter Conference is on!!!

 Sera and I at our first SCBWI Winter Conference

This is my fourth time going.  I'll never forget how overwhelming my first experience felt to me.  Not only am I a small town girl, but five years ago, I wouldn't even call myself a writer.  I've come a long way since then.  I'm still a hillbilly, for sure.  I mean, the sight of skyscrapers still make me gasp and I giggle on the subway or in a taxi.  But now, at least, I can call myself a novelist.

But am I new?
Aspiring?
Unpublished?
Hopeful?

How do I legitimately label myself?

Does it even matter?

I am going with two friends: Sera and Nicole.  Maybe I should start there...what do I call them?  Writers, of course!  And they are BOTH novelists because they have completed novels.  BUT SO HAVE I!  (I've even submitted it, which, by the way, was a very rewarding experience.)

Why can't I be so kind to myself?

Sera and I even attended a publishing launch party last year!  

All of these questions are directly related to one thing: MY OWN FEAR.

Yeah, I know....for those of you who know me.....it doesn't fit into the picture of me.  But it's true!  I'm scared-OUT OF MY SKULL.

Shameless photo from my disaster relief trip to Haiti. NOTE: I was at the local  cemetery learning about Haitian burial rituals

But on the other hand, maybe it fits me better than I'm ready to admit.  Fear is healthy, normal.  It's what you do, or DON'T do, with it that counts.  So, fear and all, I'll take myself to the Big Apple, sandwiched by writer friends.

This year is going to be different, I can already tell.  A lot has changed in the past year. Some of it has been fate, but most of it has been personal effort.

I am a Young Adult Novelist because that is what I've made myself and no other adjective needs to be added.

This REALLY happened!

I haven't been writing. Why? Because my life feels like it is spiraling out of control. Every room in my house is a mess...and thus, my head. I can't bring myself to think and create while staring at piles of things that need to get done. This has been going on for WAY too long.

And then, my husband wrote TRANSFORMERS 2 on the calendar! My kids know that if something is written, it's going to happen. They were so excited to go, and I used that to my advantage. I know, evil isn't it?

So for one week, I told my kids to clean up or the movie was off.

And LOOK what happened!

They even cleaned the bathroom!

Ok, this miracle did not happen without some assistance. My lovely sister-in-law/babysitter helped the kids quite a bit. As did my husband...but I didn't have to do anything at all. THAT is what I appreciate.

AND NOW.....both kids are proud and willing to do even more. I feel I can get back to writing. Much of the guilt and anxiety I've been carrying is gone.

I guess I've realized something through this, too. I need to speak up about what I need, because my family WANTS to please me. And I want to please them. When we work together, life is a lot more enjoyable. AND we get to see great movies like Transformers 2 together.

Thanks Team K! I love you, even when I'm yelling at you!!!!

As soon as I...........

My kids' school year has ended. OH! The visions I had of my first full year of freedom. Yeah, well, very little of it happened. Why? Well....let's see.

A lot of it, I think, was plain, old adjustment. For the first time in my adult life, I had the ability to be on my own for six full hours. No more drop-offs or pick-ups at preschool. No more lunches to be made in the middle of the day. No interruptions from little people AT ALL from 8:30 am-3 pm. Truth be told, I was lost. I was not comfortable in the driver's seat of my life.

Next, I think guilt played a part. Suddenly, faced with me time, I felt that I owed it to my family to create the perfectly organized home. Except that, I didn't WANT to clean. I WANTED to write. So my two wants battled each other all year. AND I LET THEM!

And finally, the ugly beast of procrastination took over. I could write as soon as I _________ (fill in the blank!). I never finished _____________ because family life never ends. Therefore, I did not allow myself to freedom to work.

So now summer is upon me and the kids are home all day. In many ways, I'm relieved. No more hustle and bustle of routine. And sadly, I feel complete. My day is dictated by others, yet again.

My goal for this summer: live for today, enjoy what's in front of me, and take control of my future. It was scary being alone, but come this September I'll know better what to expect. Over the next few months, I plan to take action that forces change. Most importantly, I will stop saying "As soon as I....." Like the characters in my book, I need to stop starting to do something and just do it!

A Guilty Plea