I'll Be Back....Eventually

I haven't been blogging as much as I 'should'. Okay...I haven't been blogging at all. But I HAVE been doing other things. So, until I return on a regular basis (soon, I think), please enjoy a video of my 13 year old, aka: my retirement policy.

Crisis or Quest....

My Inspiration for The Quest

I recently had a friend ask me, "Are you going through a midlife crisis?"

I let the question linger in my head for a long time.

And then, thanks to my friend Sera Rivers (she writes a blog for them) I stumbled across a Psychology Today article:
"What a Female Mid-Life Crisis Looks Like".

I read it.  Bookmarked it (on my phone!) and read it a thousand times.

Now, the thing is, I'm YOUNG-no where near mid-life...at least I hope not. I mean this stuff doesn't usually happen until someone's in their forties, right? (And shush, you people who know my real age!  I'm NOT THAT CLOSE!!)

But, I started early, according to modern timelines: college right out of high school; marriage, child and career right out of college. Yeah, I moved fast in my twenties, making gains most adults today won't even consider until closer to thirty.  So, I guess it makes sense that I'd need to re-eval my life earlier than most.

In truth, it started about the time my father died.  July 13, 2004.  He was only 61.  I had just turned 30-an age I dreaded most of my twenties.

Another big turn came four years later when my youngest started school.  Suddenly, I was alone for hours at a time, with absolutely no direction.  I figured I'd find my way eventually, but I didn't-until last year.

All this time, I'd been writing.  I knew it was going to take me somewhere.  But in my mind, I was wasting time, producing something that was a total "what if."  Then, my attitude shifted via life events: my trip to Haiti and multiple writer's conferences to name a few.

I began seeking change in earnest.  I explored opportunities that had potential to take me somewhere.  Some did, some didn't.  I tried on different roles and discarded parts of myself I no longer needed.

I started a QUEST for a new, better me.

The CRISIS part was the reaction from everyone around me-friends, family, etc.

Today, I'm nowhere near complete.  I'm still QUESTING, creating CRISIS along the way.  But, that's who I am, I guess: a fire-starter, a rabble rouser, and a trouble maker.  I can't be happy being anything less. No, I take that back!  I WON'T be happy with anything less.

Why Do I Do That?

"The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear. 

The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer. 

So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time. 

Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere. 

They don't like my jeans; they don't get my hair. 

Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time. 

Why do we do that? Why do I do that? 

Why do I do that? "

-Pink, "Effin' Perfect"

Do you ever see people driving around in their cars, music rippin' and the fool is screaming the lyrics as if she wrote them?

Yeah?

That'd be ME!!!

I can't say how many stares, glares and cheers I've gotten over the years.  But you know what?  I DON'T CARE!!!

Right now, Pink's song "Perfect" is one of my most listened to songs...(this poses a problem when my critters are in the car, but they're so good they know to skip it because of the frequent F-bombs).

And I love the quote I posted above...and I frequently ask myself "WHY DO I DO THAT?"

I mean, why do I let other people get me down?

Why do I take stuff SO personally?

And finally, why do I have to respond DYSFUNCTIONALLY????

I'd really expect at my age, with my experience, I'd be better at relating to other people.  And for the most part I do.  But there's always that reminder, I have some work to do.  Just when I think I have it all together, something totally throws me.  

And I act like an idiot.

So, if I've been an idiot to you lately, I'm sorry.  I'm trying to get back to the ME I want to be.  I'm trying AGAIN to unlearn all the bad habits that have found their way back into my life.

To those who've been helping me (you know who you are!), THANK YOU for being kind, patient and understanding.

I'm a stubborn perfectionist who thinks I have to handle it all on my own.  But I can't, I'm learning again.  And probably will need to continue to do so.

And more than likely, I'll ask myself again: WHY DO I DO THAT?

I Experience the World Differently....

http://www.stpatricksguild.com

I often wonder how many people ACTUALLY listen to the lyrics of songs. When you love a song, do you ever think about WHY or WHAT it is that makes you REALLY identify with a particular song or artist? I do-ALL the time.

Music is as important to me as books. I'll listen to anything that makes me feel. A lot of my music choices depend directly on my mood. If I need to be pumped up, I love Pop/Dance. If I'm sad or thoughtful-Country's my choice. If I'm mad, you can bet I'll be ripping Heavy Metal. If I'm in between-who knows?  When I belonged to Columbia House (yes, I'm aging myself here)  I used to confuse the HELL out of them with my selections of artists.  And I loved every second of it.

Since I attended The Write Stuff pre-conference, I've been thinking about one concept I've come to accept about myself: I EXPERIENCE THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY.  And that's why I write.  Or is it the other way around:  I'm a writer, therefore my experience of the world is different?  Either way, it really doesn't matter.  I see things others can't.  I know things others don't.  (I wish I learned this like twenty years ago-IT EXPLAINS SO MUCH!)

And my closest friends have helped to reinforce this AND remind me that it's all good. For my birthday, Sera and my beautiful niece made me CDs of songs that relate to ME!  And I'll probably wear them both out by the end of the month.  They're both writers (though my niece hasn't accepted yet that she is!) and see the world in the same magical way I do.

But, really, it was my other writer friend Rebecca Rose that prompted this whole new perspective on music.  While we traveled to Pennsylvania for the Write Stuff, she had me listen to  Blank Sheet of Paper by Tim McGraw.  And it's written from a very unique point of view.



Can you see the scene that's painted?  Can you feel anything?  Or do you hear just another twangy country song?

Maybe this song matters so much to me because I once sat at a blank computer screen.  I was scared.  But I started typing, telling myself no one would ever read it, so it didn't matter.  I went back a thousand times and continued  typing.  I've revised again and again.  The words have changed, but the sentiment is still there.

And now, I have my completed novel.  It's not perfect yet, but I'm getting ready to put it out there when it is.  I'll be terrified, I know.  But I'll do it anyway.

So, if there's something you need to write, just do it.  No one has to read it.  But I'm willing to bet, someday, you'll be ready.  And it will be so worth it.

It's Complicated...Or is is just me? Secret #5

Everything looks different above the clouds....

Relationships, friendships...people in my life....sometimes I'd rather not deal with any of it.

I want to hide under the covers of my bed.

Forget the world.

Tell everyone to leave me alone.

This began....um, I don't even know when.

And that's why I started writing Just A Girl-because I wanted to explore my personal patterns of relationships.

What I found?  Honestly?  Is that it's so much easier to gloss over the truth, make it something it's not...FICTIONALIZE it.

And yet, something in me yearns to tell my truth.  Something bigger keeps trying to stop it.

After listening to Sara Zarr at the Winter Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators, my perspective has changed.  (THANK YOU SARA!  I can't wait to listen to you for an ENTIRE WEEK in June!!)  Her words about keeping a close inner circle of people made a lot of sense, and well, the need to have a good therapist.

She's right.

I now know the truth I need to infuse into my novel.  The crap I still need to cut out because it deflects what I really need to address:  the part of me who fights intimacy only to FINALLY let it in, take a chance, and feel utterly and completely disappointed by human nature.

Are ALL relationships this complicated or is it just me?

I have a feeling, it's not just me.  And that's exactly why I need to tell my story.

Except, it's hard--almost impossible, really.

But thankfully, I have a therapist.  And she's great.

I also have an inner circle of relationships--but that's still a work in progress.  But then again, so am I.

Truthfully, I'm tired of carrying this around with me.  I want to understand it better.  I need to.  I'm done with the same old cycle of fear, intensity, broken promises and pain.

And I'm terrified to post this blog....because even when I kick you away, I'm really thinking "Please, Please, Don't Leave Me"....

P!nk - Music - More Music Videos

Conflict? Yeah, right. Secret #2 Revealed

So, I'm reading Writing the Breakout Novel, right? Under the Plot chapter is the topic of conflict.  But prior to this, Donald Maass recommends reaching deep into yourself and pulling out the real stuff to write the great stuff.  In doing so, and applying it to conflict, I have now realized what a peace maker I am.

So HOW do I write about conflict when I do everything in my personal life to avoid it?

Let me back up.  For those of you who know me, I'm sure there are varied opinions on this topic as it applies to me. And I think that's because I work so hard to AVOID conflict that I end up exploding, like a volcano, and creating more than if I had just spoken up in the first place.





See?  This is me: always smiling.
And usually, the more I feel-good or bad-the more I smile.
Very deceiving, isn't it?  Especially when that smiling face suddenly morphs into a crazed, screaming woman-whom everyone in my life has met at some time.  As much as I've tried to hide her.



Anyway, because I generally dislike conflict, I think I'm finding it very hard to incorporate into my fiction.  But then again, I hate reading happy "Mamby Pamby Land" books where everything smells sweet and feels perfect.  THAT ought to tell me something.

DUH!  I'm conflicted.  That means, if I write it, I can no longer pretend it's not there.  Or can I?  Well, maybe that would deepen my sense of inner conflict and enhance my novel.  So, THAT'S IT!  I'll keep the conflict going until I've gotten my way.

And, true to the self I've always wanted to be...I hope my novel "gives you hell" the same way it's given me HELL!

Well...that's CRAP!

As I look at my novel through new eyes, I realize how many parts of it are CRAP.  That's not to say I'm a bad writer, it means I've grown.  I now see scenes with more clarity.  Before, I thought they had a purpose.  Now, I know they don't.

But that doesn't mean I have to get rid of them forever.  I can either reincorporate them later in the book, where they'd have stronger impact or keep them for future novels.  Either way, they're axed.  And it HURTS!

So, instead of giving up, I'm dealing by building a bigger, better novel.  I'm tightening things up--hammering words and thoughts into place.  It only makes sense.

I have faith.  I know I'm on the right path, because I see the signs.  Like I said in a previous post, I'll be attending SCBWI's Winter Conference in NYC.

And Sara Zarr is going to be there.

Why is this a sign?  Because she writes the most amazing realistic teen fiction novels.  Not fantasy, paranormal or vampires!

 (Not that I have anything against any of those genres-but YAY for me!!!!!!)

 And WHY does this matter?  I write realistic fiction and a few years ago it seemed that my genre was never going to come of age, again.  Now, I have more hope than ever.  There COULD be a Judy Blume type revival. And I'M READY!!  I don't think reality ever went away--it just sort of faded into the background of teen novels.  But with amazing authors including Jay Asher and Jo Knowles bringing it back with their talent, I believe the best is yet to come.  And I hope I'm one of them.

So, while I hope, I'll continue to axe and hammer my novel until I get it right.  It's the only way I'm going to get anywhere.  Yeah, it hurts, but I'll survive.  I have to.  I started this.  I'm not one to quit, EVER.

I need...NO, I want!

This winter I have been so exhausted. I even went to see my Primary Care Doctor for a check up. I've been cold, tired and completely unmotivated. Something must be wrong. Well, in truth, their might be something wrong, but, only time will tell. I have a family history of hemochromatosis, a digestive disorder in which the body absorbs too much iron. Maybe I am weighted down by heavy metals, but serial blood tests will be the only way to know for sure.

In the mean time, there must be something else I'm carrying. I believe most of life is mind over matter; we CAN control how we feel. Since my appointment in April, I've been telling myself that it's all in my head.

Over the past few weeks, I have begun to shift my way of thinking. NEED is such a heavy word. It's best friend GUILT is never far behind. WANT on the other hand is lighter. I find it motivating to think about what I want. PLEASURE usually follows when a want is fulfilled.

I think in today's world, it's all to easy to confuse NEEDS with WANTS. Maybe that's why I am so bogged down with drama. Out of nowhere, a want can transform into a need. And then I find myself drowning in a sea of guilt when I want to be floating on a yacht of pleasure. (NOTICE I SAID WANT!) So why aren't I floating? Because I need so many things.

That's where I need to stop. Just the other day, I quoted my late grandfather, whom I've never met. My mother taught me this and I am passing the lesson on to my kids. He said, "There are only two things I NEED to do in life: pay taxes and die." That one sentence is helping me put my life in perspective. (Now, my son of course will argue about the NEED to pay taxes...he is, after all, a Republican...but that's for a later discussion.)

Today, I want to stop the drama. I want to bring pleasure back into my life and crowd out guilt. I want to enjoy the days that are placed before me. I want to refocus my energy. Some people might argue that word usu age should not impact the way that I feel, but it does. I need...NO, I want to make my life better. And I can do it, and a small change in my vocabulary is just the place to start.

Healthy Competition

I am proud to announce that my friend Rebecca now has a contract for her book. Her personal challenge to "beat" me paid off. In a matter of months, she will have an ebook published. Could she have done it without me? Yes, but it wouldn't have been nearly as fun, I bet.

And, really, I had nothing to do with it. She wrote the book and the query letter. She expended the energy to send it. I get the pleasure of watching her bask in well deserved glory. I can learn from her experience. So really, I may get more out of it than she does, in a matter of speaking.

But more importantly, I have learned something about myself from our healthy competition. Everyone needs goals. When you are a writer, they can easily elude you. Distraction is my excuse to avoid the hard parts. I have a manuscript screaming at me to revise it. But I let it sit. Why? Because it's a lot of work. Add to that my feeling of inadequacy because I am a novice, and you have one writer who is doing everything to avoid her heart's desire.

This week, I finally admitted my feelings of self-defeat. My husband listened as I whined about how I have nothing to show for all the time I have spent typing away. And then, he showed me all of the things I do have and why they matter. I love him and am grateful he is supportive!

So, today, I am going to challenge myself. I set out to write a book to see if I could do it. I did. Now I have to revise it. But who should I compete with? Maybe myself? I wonder, though, how long that would last. So I'm thinking I'll challenge Rebecca again. My book will be revised before she is in print. That sounds reasonable. So, how 'bout it Becc? You still up for some healthy competition? I hope so, because in my mind it's a done deal.

Revising... Realizing

Last week I thought I was going to lose my mind while I prepared an application for a Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI) grant. I needed to write a synopsis, fill out an application and prepare my first chapter for submission. It was a lot more work than I expected, mostly because I am a perfectionist. Nothing is ever good enough for me. Nothing is ever "ready". So, faced with frustration and a shortage of time, I gave up. I was going to send it in no matter what I thought of it.

But, alas, Sera, my one of my dearest writing friends wouldn't let me. She insisted upon reading it over. I wanted to scream. I did not have time for this, nor the desire. Why did she have to make my life so difficult? Just let it be! At the same time, I was secretly relieved. She offered the help I couldn'tbring myself to request.

Together, we scrambled through multiple files and a ticking clock. After each sentence was checked, we had trouble printing it. I thought I was going to cry. Instead, I went home, printed from there, made the necessary copies at Staples and ran to the post office with an hour to spare.

This weekend, I crashed. I turned my focus to laundry, the hint of spring in the air, and my family. And today I realized something. It wasn't Sera who frustrated me. It was me. I have trouble accepting help. I despise it, as a matter of fact. I pretend I don't need it when I really do.

I should have asked her, but I didn't want to "bother" her. Ok, really? NO! I didn't want to take the chance she would say "no". It hurts me too much for some stupid reason. I have to get over this; I have wanted to for a long time. It seems not that I don't have a choice.

My private goal of writing was to learn more about myself through story-telling. Now it seems that the revisions are showing me more than I had anticipated. I wonder if this happens to all writers or is it just me? Maybe I am being overly dramatic. Or maybe I'm on to something. Either way, it doesn't matter. I know now that I need to revise myself in order to realize writing success. It's a good thing I like challenges. It's going to be a bumpy road.

And then..I found this! Oh, how true it is:

"In the beginning you may be writing around what you want to say instead of getting to the core. Keep writing. The route may be circuitous but after you zero in on what you truly want to say, you'll see that during all those false starts and detoured storylines, you weren't wasting time, as you feared. You were developing as a writer, developing a discerning eye and ear, finding your own voice, learning to respect self-imposed deadlines."
Madeleine Costigan

The Next Step

My novel is back in my hands, complete with a 6 page, single spaced, typed letter AND line-by-line edits on every single page (There are 220 pages). My mentor has specifically laid out a challenge I can't wait to tackle. THIS is what I have been needing!

THIS is more than I think I can handle.

I might think I can't handle it, but I KNOW I will. It's the next step towards my dream and nothing is going to hold me back.

The Dean of Undergraduate Nursing once said to me, "You'll never make it as a nurse."

But I did. I still am.

Someone, someday WILL tell me I won't make it as a writer.

But I will. And I will show them!