Wednesday, March 9, 2011

It's Complicated...Or is is just me? Secret #5

Everything looks different above the clouds....
Relationships, friendships...people in my life....sometimes I'd rather not deal with any of it.

I want to hide under the covers of my bed.

Forget the world.

Tell everyone to leave me alone.

This, I don't even know when.

And that's why I started writing Just A Girl-because I wanted to explore my personal patterns of relationships.

What I found?  Honestly?  Is that it's so much easier to gloss over the truth, make it something it's not...FICTIONALIZE it.

And yet, something in me yearns to tell my truth.  Something bigger keeps trying to stop it.

After listening to Sara Zarr at the Winter Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators, my perspective has changed.  (THANK YOU SARA!  I can't wait to listen to you for an ENTIRE WEEK in June!!)  Her words about keeping a close inner circle of people made a lot of sense, and well, the need to have a good therapist.

She's right.

I now know the truth I need to infuse into my novel.  The crap I still need to cut out because it deflects what I really need to address:  the part of me who fights intimacy only to FINALLY let it in, take a chance, and feel utterly and completely disappointed by human nature.

Are ALL relationships this complicated or is it just me?

I have a feeling, it's not just me.  And that's exactly why I need to tell my story.

Except, it's hard--almost impossible, really.

But thankfully, I have a therapist.  And she's great.

I also have an inner circle of relationships--but that's still a work in progress.  But then again, so am I.

Truthfully, I'm tired of carrying this around with me.  I want to understand it better.  I need to.  I'm done with the same old cycle of fear, intensity, broken promises and pain.

And I'm terrified to post this blog....because even when I kick you away, I'm really thinking "Please, Please, Don't Leave Me"....


  1. You can't get rid of me. Sorry. And yes, it really is this complicated because if it wasn't, there would be nothing to write about and the world would be devoid of words.