Breaking me out of the spell I was in....

This weekend, my husband and I were listening to the radio. A countdown was on from 1981. I wasn't a teen then, not even close! I was actually 7, but this song brought me right back to being young, family life, and the vague emotions that accompany those memories; the times that led up to my teen years.

And those are the feelings I write about. It helps me to understand them. It inspires me to keep creating.

So many times I think that I write for nothing. That no one is going to care about some girl that I create from the depths of my soul. And then I remember...for once, it's not about anyone else. It's about me. I need this. I want this. And if I'm fortunate enough to be able to share it someday, I will be one of the lucky ones.

Many times throughout my life, I have been labeled "brave". Yes, I use the term 'labeled' because that is not how I see myself at all. What is brave about wanting to speak and be heard? What is brave about baring your soul? I find it all a little selfish. Helping others helps me feel good. And to me, no amount of knowledge can compare to real life experience.

And now that I have broken out of my spell, I feel more free than ever. When I write, I feeling like I am walking on air. I will probably never be a great American hero, wearing a cape and flying, but at least I can create my own endings. And maybe, just maybe, they might matter to someone else.

But until then, I'll just keep writing because I can!

Old English vocab word of the blog:

Plebian: n. (in ancient Rome) a commoner; a member of the lower social classes

Guess who's back???

Oh, yeah. It's me. For a while I've been in a creative funk. Linking words together to make an interesting sentence has been torture for me lately. BUT NOT ANYMORE!

It took 2 vacations, 3 classic novels and a whole lot of soul searching, but my juices are again flowing. I can write and it feels like it's coming from somewhere deeper than ever before.

I suspect I have been too hard on myself, probably like many writers. I also think I needed a break to regroup. But, alas, the time has not been wasted. I have learned a lot these past few months, mostly about me.

First, I realized that I hate to be alone. It's not that I don't like myself. I'm afraid of myself and the powerful person who lies underneath the surface. If I let her go, man, is she going to wreak havoc. Well....I'm now in the process of opening that door. Watch out world!

Second, I have been fighting the very demon that inspired me to write in the first place. See, the whole book process started as an attempt to learn about choices that I have made in my life and I think I got a little too close for comfort. And I shut down. It's what I do. In the process of shutting down I withdraw from any attempts to reach me. Then I start fighting. I build a fortress around me. If you penetrate...you win (sort of)! If you don't...I lose. Either way, I end up exhausted, miserable and feeling like I can't trust anyone. I have spent too many months fighting those who are here to help me. It's time for me to stop.

Finally, I was trying to be someone that I'm not. I can't write literary works. What I mean is that I don't feel my writing is "poetic". I don't use a lot of visual imagery or fancy word choices. In real life, I try to be as straightforward as possible. When I "sugarcoat" (as someone accused me of recently) I feel fake-as if I'm trying to please them more than be honest. I have been fake writing for a while now. I've been trying to be clever in my word choices by overusing my thesaurus. So, I have put my thesaurus to rest and reopened my heart.

AND IT'S WORKING!

But, one fun thing I do want to start is vocabulary lessons from the old British classics. Enjoy, because I have found a lot of them!

First word:
PHYSIOGNOMY n. a person's facial features or expression, esp. when regarded as indicative of character or ethnic origin
(*I love the fact that my Kindle defines words when I put the cursor next to it!*)

Moved to Tears....

There is nothing more sweet than the taste of success, even if it belongs to someone else! Congratulations, Becc! You have worked hard. I am honored to boast the cover of your new book, due to be released November 2, 2009!