Why Do I Do That?

"The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear. 

The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer. 

So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time. 

Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere. 

They don't like my jeans; they don't get my hair. 

Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time. 

Why do we do that? Why do I do that? 

Why do I do that? "

-Pink, "Effin' Perfect"

Do you ever see people driving around in their cars, music rippin' and the fool is screaming the lyrics as if she wrote them?

Yeah?

That'd be ME!!!

I can't say how many stares, glares and cheers I've gotten over the years.  But you know what?  I DON'T CARE!!!

Right now, Pink's song "Perfect" is one of my most listened to songs...(this poses a problem when my critters are in the car, but they're so good they know to skip it because of the frequent F-bombs).

And I love the quote I posted above...and I frequently ask myself "WHY DO I DO THAT?"

I mean, why do I let other people get me down?

Why do I take stuff SO personally?

And finally, why do I have to respond DYSFUNCTIONALLY????

I'd really expect at my age, with my experience, I'd be better at relating to other people.  And for the most part I do.  But there's always that reminder, I have some work to do.  Just when I think I have it all together, something totally throws me.  

And I act like an idiot.

So, if I've been an idiot to you lately, I'm sorry.  I'm trying to get back to the ME I want to be.  I'm trying AGAIN to unlearn all the bad habits that have found their way back into my life.

To those who've been helping me (you know who you are!), THANK YOU for being kind, patient and understanding.

I'm a stubborn perfectionist who thinks I have to handle it all on my own.  But I can't, I'm learning again.  And probably will need to continue to do so.

And more than likely, I'll ask myself again: WHY DO I DO THAT?

Back on the SSRI

I thought I could do it myself. That brick wall that formed in my life could most certainly be overcome by a survivor like me. I've done it before. I can do it again. Eating right, exercise and a whole ton of positive thought would propel me right back to where I wanted to be. I did not need an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) antidepressant to fix me!

Now, if only I could get myself to the gym. But I didn't. Nor did I feel like eating. Well, actually, I lacked the ability to choose what to eat so I avoided it all together.

Positive thought? Yeah, not so good. Those thoughts either never got finished or began an inner argument that ruled my life. I wanted to believe that relief would come just as soon as I _____ (fill in the blank).

That relief did not come, so something must be wrong with me. I had my thyroid and iron level checked, twice. Each time I went to see my PCP I berated myself for being a hypochondriac.

My doc did not berate or ridicule me. She knew my personality was one of exuberance, drive and passion. She also reminded me about my history of depression.

So, here I was, my brain no longer firing the way it once did. Which meant that I needed an antidepressant to reconfigure the wiring that had somehow shorted out, again.

But antidepressants could kill my creativity. At least, that is what I told myself. But truth be told, my creativity has been floundering for a long time. I've been sinking for a long time, but was unable to admit it.

That first night, when I placed the white capsule on my tongue and swallowed with hesitation, my pride caved in. I can't do this alone and I shouldn't. Everyone needs a life jacket now and again. If it were my heart, I wouldn't think twice about taking medication. My brain is malfunctioning and it's time I do something about it.

I admit, I felt like a failure. Not only did I succumb to depression again, but now I need medication to get over it.

But with the help of the SSRI I am seeing that I needed this experience. The whole point of my YA novels is to bring teen depression to the forefront. I had almost forgotten what it felt like. And now I remember. I am not worried about my creativity anymore. It's coming back, a little at a time. And so am I.