This winter I have been so exhausted. I even went to see my Primary Care Doctor for a check up. I've been cold, tired and completely unmotivated. Something must be wrong. Well, in truth, their might be something wrong, but, only time will tell. I have a family history of hemochromatosis, a digestive disorder in which the body absorbs too much iron. Maybe I am weighted down by heavy metals, but serial blood tests will be the only way to know for sure.
In the mean time, there must be something else I'm carrying. I believe most of life is mind over matter; we CAN control how we feel. Since my appointment in April, I've been telling myself that it's all in my head.
Over the past few weeks, I have begun to shift my way of thinking. NEED is such a heavy word. It's best friend GUILT is never far behind. WANT on the other hand is lighter. I find it motivating to think about what I want. PLEASURE usually follows when a want is fulfilled.
I think in today's world, it's all to easy to confuse NEEDS with WANTS. Maybe that's why I am so bogged down with drama. Out of nowhere, a want can transform into a need. And then I find myself drowning in a sea of guilt when I want to be floating on a yacht of pleasure. (NOTICE I SAID WANT!) So why aren't I floating? Because I need so many things.
That's where I need to stop. Just the other day, I quoted my late grandfather, whom I've never met. My mother taught me this and I am passing the lesson on to my kids. He said, "There are only two things I NEED to do in life: pay taxes and die." That one sentence is helping me put my life in perspective. (Now, my son of course will argue about the NEED to pay taxes...he is, after all, a Republican...but that's for a later discussion.)
Today, I want to stop the drama. I want to bring pleasure back into my life and crowd out guilt. I want to enjoy the days that are placed before me. I want to refocus my energy. Some people might argue that word usu age should not impact the way that I feel, but it does. I need...NO, I want to make my life better. And I can do it, and a small change in my vocabulary is just the place to start.