It's DONE!!

Here it is: still empty, but complete.

MY OFFICE!!

It's bright, warm and cozy.

Best of all, it's 

JUST IN TIME!!

A special thanks goes out to my husband, Mark, who spent countless hours designing and building this space for me to creatively express myself.


I promise; it will be worth every second!!

Yeah, I'm addicted to Victorious. Can you blame me?

YES, I'm addicted to Victorious.   I could give a thousand excuses, but I won't.  It all comes down to my writing.  The more I watch this show, the easier it is for me to create the strong teen girl character I want to portray.  Plus, the show's theme song really takes the edge of my fear of success.  And let me tell you, that fear is growing by the second, especially with what I see happening in YA today.  Realistic fiction is making a comeback.  Strong female characters are in demand.  Uh, oh world look OUT:

"Cause you know that if your live in

Your imagination

Tomorrow you'll

Be everybody's fascination

In my victory

Just remember me

When I make it shine"

Victorious
Tags: Victorious Episodes,Victorious,Victorious Games

I Experience the World Differently....

http://www.stpatricksguild.com

I often wonder how many people ACTUALLY listen to the lyrics of songs. When you love a song, do you ever think about WHY or WHAT it is that makes you REALLY identify with a particular song or artist? I do-ALL the time.

Music is as important to me as books. I'll listen to anything that makes me feel. A lot of my music choices depend directly on my mood. If I need to be pumped up, I love Pop/Dance. If I'm sad or thoughtful-Country's my choice. If I'm mad, you can bet I'll be ripping Heavy Metal. If I'm in between-who knows?  When I belonged to Columbia House (yes, I'm aging myself here)  I used to confuse the HELL out of them with my selections of artists.  And I loved every second of it.

Since I attended The Write Stuff pre-conference, I've been thinking about one concept I've come to accept about myself: I EXPERIENCE THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY.  And that's why I write.  Or is it the other way around:  I'm a writer, therefore my experience of the world is different?  Either way, it really doesn't matter.  I see things others can't.  I know things others don't.  (I wish I learned this like twenty years ago-IT EXPLAINS SO MUCH!)

And my closest friends have helped to reinforce this AND remind me that it's all good. For my birthday, Sera and my beautiful niece made me CDs of songs that relate to ME!  And I'll probably wear them both out by the end of the month.  They're both writers (though my niece hasn't accepted yet that she is!) and see the world in the same magical way I do.

But, really, it was my other writer friend Rebecca Rose that prompted this whole new perspective on music.  While we traveled to Pennsylvania for the Write Stuff, she had me listen to  Blank Sheet of Paper by Tim McGraw.  And it's written from a very unique point of view.



Can you see the scene that's painted?  Can you feel anything?  Or do you hear just another twangy country song?

Maybe this song matters so much to me because I once sat at a blank computer screen.  I was scared.  But I started typing, telling myself no one would ever read it, so it didn't matter.  I went back a thousand times and continued  typing.  I've revised again and again.  The words have changed, but the sentiment is still there.

And now, I have my completed novel.  It's not perfect yet, but I'm getting ready to put it out there when it is.  I'll be terrified, I know.  But I'll do it anyway.

So, if there's something you need to write, just do it.  No one has to read it.  But I'm willing to bet, someday, you'll be ready.  And it will be so worth it.

No Such Thing As Lucky: Secret #3

This is a picture of me with my husband and kids.  Of all holidays, it was Christmas.  And YES, we dressed in costume for the occasion.  Why?  Long story short: BECAUSE WE CAN!

A series of events since Christmas led me to really ponder the word LUCKY.  I've heard a lot of people say it about themselves and me.  But does LUCK really exist?

I don't believe it does.

Why?

Because LUCK is subjective.  Maybe I have more things than some, but most certainly others have more.  That would make me UNLUCKY in comparison.  But maybe I don't want those things.  Or maybe, it's not the things that matter to me.

I see it this way: everything I have, I earned.

I work, play and live hard.

I incite change.

I take chances.

And, therefore, I succeed, at least in my mind.

I guess what people don't realize is that things don't always work out for me.  And that's my fault, probably.  I prefer not to complain or whine about challenges.  Instead, I focus on the positive, keep taking steps forward, and never, ever give up.  And though many things I start end somewhere I never expected, I celebrate success every chance I get.

Failure is does not exist in my world, mostly because I refuse to acknowledge it--much like LUCK.

Therefore, I'm not really LUCKY.  I get what I deserve, both good and bad.  I make mistakes, but I learn from them.

So, please forgive me if I stop you next time you talk about how LUCKY you are.  It's then I shall ask you everything you did to deserve the opportunity.

  

Conflict? Yeah, right. Secret #2 Revealed

So, I'm reading Writing the Breakout Novel, right? Under the Plot chapter is the topic of conflict.  But prior to this, Donald Maass recommends reaching deep into yourself and pulling out the real stuff to write the great stuff.  In doing so, and applying it to conflict, I have now realized what a peace maker I am.

So HOW do I write about conflict when I do everything in my personal life to avoid it?

Let me back up.  For those of you who know me, I'm sure there are varied opinions on this topic as it applies to me. And I think that's because I work so hard to AVOID conflict that I end up exploding, like a volcano, and creating more than if I had just spoken up in the first place.





See?  This is me: always smiling.
And usually, the more I feel-good or bad-the more I smile.
Very deceiving, isn't it?  Especially when that smiling face suddenly morphs into a crazed, screaming woman-whom everyone in my life has met at some time.  As much as I've tried to hide her.



Anyway, because I generally dislike conflict, I think I'm finding it very hard to incorporate into my fiction.  But then again, I hate reading happy "Mamby Pamby Land" books where everything smells sweet and feels perfect.  THAT ought to tell me something.

DUH!  I'm conflicted.  That means, if I write it, I can no longer pretend it's not there.  Or can I?  Well, maybe that would deepen my sense of inner conflict and enhance my novel.  So, THAT'S IT!  I'll keep the conflict going until I've gotten my way.

And, true to the self I've always wanted to be...I hope my novel "gives you hell" the same way it's given me HELL!

Well...that's CRAP!

As I look at my novel through new eyes, I realize how many parts of it are CRAP.  That's not to say I'm a bad writer, it means I've grown.  I now see scenes with more clarity.  Before, I thought they had a purpose.  Now, I know they don't.

But that doesn't mean I have to get rid of them forever.  I can either reincorporate them later in the book, where they'd have stronger impact or keep them for future novels.  Either way, they're axed.  And it HURTS!

So, instead of giving up, I'm dealing by building a bigger, better novel.  I'm tightening things up--hammering words and thoughts into place.  It only makes sense.

I have faith.  I know I'm on the right path, because I see the signs.  Like I said in a previous post, I'll be attending SCBWI's Winter Conference in NYC.

And Sara Zarr is going to be there.

Why is this a sign?  Because she writes the most amazing realistic teen fiction novels.  Not fantasy, paranormal or vampires!

 (Not that I have anything against any of those genres-but YAY for me!!!!!!)

 And WHY does this matter?  I write realistic fiction and a few years ago it seemed that my genre was never going to come of age, again.  Now, I have more hope than ever.  There COULD be a Judy Blume type revival. And I'M READY!!  I don't think reality ever went away--it just sort of faded into the background of teen novels.  But with amazing authors including Jay Asher and Jo Knowles bringing it back with their talent, I believe the best is yet to come.  And I hope I'm one of them.

So, while I hope, I'll continue to axe and hammer my novel until I get it right.  It's the only way I'm going to get anywhere.  Yeah, it hurts, but I'll survive.  I have to.  I started this.  I'm not one to quit, EVER.

As soon as I...........

My kids' school year has ended. OH! The visions I had of my first full year of freedom. Yeah, well, very little of it happened. Why? Well....let's see.

A lot of it, I think, was plain, old adjustment. For the first time in my adult life, I had the ability to be on my own for six full hours. No more drop-offs or pick-ups at preschool. No more lunches to be made in the middle of the day. No interruptions from little people AT ALL from 8:30 am-3 pm. Truth be told, I was lost. I was not comfortable in the driver's seat of my life.

Next, I think guilt played a part. Suddenly, faced with me time, I felt that I owed it to my family to create the perfectly organized home. Except that, I didn't WANT to clean. I WANTED to write. So my two wants battled each other all year. AND I LET THEM!

And finally, the ugly beast of procrastination took over. I could write as soon as I _________ (fill in the blank!). I never finished _____________ because family life never ends. Therefore, I did not allow myself to freedom to work.

So now summer is upon me and the kids are home all day. In many ways, I'm relieved. No more hustle and bustle of routine. And sadly, I feel complete. My day is dictated by others, yet again.

My goal for this summer: live for today, enjoy what's in front of me, and take control of my future. It was scary being alone, but come this September I'll know better what to expect. Over the next few months, I plan to take action that forces change. Most importantly, I will stop saying "As soon as I....." Like the characters in my book, I need to stop starting to do something and just do it!

Goodbye Ethan

I am in the process of revising my novel, but have found myself stuck. The first eight chapters were easy to rewrite. I knew what I needed to add, delete and change. But now I've hit the part where Ethan, a secondary character, was involved in my main character's life. He needs to go. He does nothing to support the plot. But how do I leave him out?

In real life, I have trouble with goodbyes. I cling to people until all hope is gone. I am doing that with my novel. I guess it's good that I can see that, because now I can remedy it. Ethan was a character that I thought I needed, but he does nothing except detract from the REAL story. He could be a subplot, but I can use other, better defined characters to accomplish the same thing.

So, even though my soul is cringing, it is time for us to part, dear Ethan. I will always remember you, even if your name is no longer in print. You were good to me, but now it is time I let go.

Goodbye Ethan, good bye!

I need...NO, I want!

This winter I have been so exhausted. I even went to see my Primary Care Doctor for a check up. I've been cold, tired and completely unmotivated. Something must be wrong. Well, in truth, their might be something wrong, but, only time will tell. I have a family history of hemochromatosis, a digestive disorder in which the body absorbs too much iron. Maybe I am weighted down by heavy metals, but serial blood tests will be the only way to know for sure.

In the mean time, there must be something else I'm carrying. I believe most of life is mind over matter; we CAN control how we feel. Since my appointment in April, I've been telling myself that it's all in my head.

Over the past few weeks, I have begun to shift my way of thinking. NEED is such a heavy word. It's best friend GUILT is never far behind. WANT on the other hand is lighter. I find it motivating to think about what I want. PLEASURE usually follows when a want is fulfilled.

I think in today's world, it's all to easy to confuse NEEDS with WANTS. Maybe that's why I am so bogged down with drama. Out of nowhere, a want can transform into a need. And then I find myself drowning in a sea of guilt when I want to be floating on a yacht of pleasure. (NOTICE I SAID WANT!) So why aren't I floating? Because I need so many things.

That's where I need to stop. Just the other day, I quoted my late grandfather, whom I've never met. My mother taught me this and I am passing the lesson on to my kids. He said, "There are only two things I NEED to do in life: pay taxes and die." That one sentence is helping me put my life in perspective. (Now, my son of course will argue about the NEED to pay taxes...he is, after all, a Republican...but that's for a later discussion.)

Today, I want to stop the drama. I want to bring pleasure back into my life and crowd out guilt. I want to enjoy the days that are placed before me. I want to refocus my energy. Some people might argue that word usu age should not impact the way that I feel, but it does. I need...NO, I want to make my life better. And I can do it, and a small change in my vocabulary is just the place to start.

I Don't WANT to grow up....

For research, I started watching The Secret Life of An American Teenager. It's not the greatest acting in the world, but it's good enough for me. The self-centered nature of teens is portrayed well, as is the setting. It really makes me wish my life was scripted, because the characters always know the perfect thing to say. That part makes it totally unbelievable, because teens can't POSSIBLY be that could at communicating with each other, not to mention their parents.

Maybe that's why I love to write. I want characters who don't know what to say. Characters who are just as lost as I am. Life is SO not scripted, so why should my book? I've had people say that readers want fiction to escape the reality of life. But then in another breath, fiction has to be plausible. My plausibility stems from making mistakes, saying the wrong things and interpreting what has NOT been said, and NOT having a happy ending. I'd love to read a book that is like that. Any suggestions anyone?

This morning, I watched the finale of The Secret Life. Honestly, I sobbed. The right music can do that to me. But it was more than that. Amy had her baby..and yes, it brought me back to when my were children born. The celebration of a new life is the greatest blessing that anyone can experience. And then, there's the first year...all of the firsts, really..that are celebrated every step of the way.

But what happens once you are all grown up? What's left to celebrate? I'm 35 now. College is a distant memory, as is my wedding. Each day, my kids are growing, developing and accomplishing their own things. But what about me? Is it adolescent of me to want to celebrate me? Is that what makes people so bitter as they age? (I know, not everyone is bitter as they age, but that's what I fear the most for me.) And, if I want to celebrate me, what is worth celebrating?

And that's why I don't want to grow up. I don't ever want to stop celebrating life, it's just getting a lot harder to find new firsts. It's not that I've done everything there is to do, but people look at me funny when I want to celebrate anything. It's like I'm being told to grow up, there's nothing left to be so happy about. But I am happy and proud, too....and I want the world to know it. So, if that's what it takes...the no..I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP! Anyone willing to stay young with me?

Healthy Competition

I am proud to announce that my friend Rebecca now has a contract for her book. Her personal challenge to "beat" me paid off. In a matter of months, she will have an ebook published. Could she have done it without me? Yes, but it wouldn't have been nearly as fun, I bet.

And, really, I had nothing to do with it. She wrote the book and the query letter. She expended the energy to send it. I get the pleasure of watching her bask in well deserved glory. I can learn from her experience. So really, I may get more out of it than she does, in a matter of speaking.

But more importantly, I have learned something about myself from our healthy competition. Everyone needs goals. When you are a writer, they can easily elude you. Distraction is my excuse to avoid the hard parts. I have a manuscript screaming at me to revise it. But I let it sit. Why? Because it's a lot of work. Add to that my feeling of inadequacy because I am a novice, and you have one writer who is doing everything to avoid her heart's desire.

This week, I finally admitted my feelings of self-defeat. My husband listened as I whined about how I have nothing to show for all the time I have spent typing away. And then, he showed me all of the things I do have and why they matter. I love him and am grateful he is supportive!

So, today, I am going to challenge myself. I set out to write a book to see if I could do it. I did. Now I have to revise it. But who should I compete with? Maybe myself? I wonder, though, how long that would last. So I'm thinking I'll challenge Rebecca again. My book will be revised before she is in print. That sounds reasonable. So, how 'bout it Becc? You still up for some healthy competition? I hope so, because in my mind it's a done deal.

Revising... Realizing

Last week I thought I was going to lose my mind while I prepared an application for a Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI) grant. I needed to write a synopsis, fill out an application and prepare my first chapter for submission. It was a lot more work than I expected, mostly because I am a perfectionist. Nothing is ever good enough for me. Nothing is ever "ready". So, faced with frustration and a shortage of time, I gave up. I was going to send it in no matter what I thought of it.

But, alas, Sera, my one of my dearest writing friends wouldn't let me. She insisted upon reading it over. I wanted to scream. I did not have time for this, nor the desire. Why did she have to make my life so difficult? Just let it be! At the same time, I was secretly relieved. She offered the help I couldn'tbring myself to request.

Together, we scrambled through multiple files and a ticking clock. After each sentence was checked, we had trouble printing it. I thought I was going to cry. Instead, I went home, printed from there, made the necessary copies at Staples and ran to the post office with an hour to spare.

This weekend, I crashed. I turned my focus to laundry, the hint of spring in the air, and my family. And today I realized something. It wasn't Sera who frustrated me. It was me. I have trouble accepting help. I despise it, as a matter of fact. I pretend I don't need it when I really do.

I should have asked her, but I didn't want to "bother" her. Ok, really? NO! I didn't want to take the chance she would say "no". It hurts me too much for some stupid reason. I have to get over this; I have wanted to for a long time. It seems not that I don't have a choice.

My private goal of writing was to learn more about myself through story-telling. Now it seems that the revisions are showing me more than I had anticipated. I wonder if this happens to all writers or is it just me? Maybe I am being overly dramatic. Or maybe I'm on to something. Either way, it doesn't matter. I know now that I need to revise myself in order to realize writing success. It's a good thing I like challenges. It's going to be a bumpy road.

And then..I found this! Oh, how true it is:

"In the beginning you may be writing around what you want to say instead of getting to the core. Keep writing. The route may be circuitous but after you zero in on what you truly want to say, you'll see that during all those false starts and detoured storylines, you weren't wasting time, as you feared. You were developing as a writer, developing a discerning eye and ear, finding your own voice, learning to respect self-imposed deadlines."
Madeleine Costigan

Rekindling the flame

I look back now and realize that I was scared to finish my first novel. I knew it at the time, but could not face it. It was intimidating to reach a goal I had set for myself, because what would be left for me to do? Well, let me tell you I found it!

In November of 2009, I succumbed to my dear friend Sera's perseverance and joined NaNoWriMo. I attempted to write a novel in a month. It was a new and different personal challenge to write 50,000 words in 30 days. Plus, it took me away from my first novel and gave me the break I needed.

In December, I took a creative break. November zapped me mentally and Christmas presents needed to be purchased. I figured I had overflexed my creative muscles. I gave myself a well deserved break.

And then, I became hooked on Facebook. It's all good, though, because I made a connection that will prove to be worth my while. I met a Young Adult Novelist who was going to hold an on-line class. I was pumped!

I sent in my application and waited. Right around Christmas, she asked me if she could critique my novel instead. THAT was a present I hadn't expected!!! I jumped at the chance, made a few quick revisions and mailed it. In the mean time, I also decided to attend the 2009 SCBWI (Society of Children's BookWriters and Illustrators) Conference in NYC.

Things are happening, that's easy to see. I just wonder if my mind can keep up with all of this.....

Keeping it Going

That winter I wrote diligently. Every night, or close to it, I clacked away on my computer and allowed my characters to sweep me away. My page count (at the time, I didn't know much about word count!) went up and up and up. I shared my chapters with fellow writing group members and began to fall in love with the process.

And then, success of all things, interrupted me! In writing class, my instructor (and great friend Sera) assigned a project. We, the students, were to submit a piece of our work for publication. In class, we have many projects and she wanted us to put one of them to good use. We learned about query letters, perfected our pieces and submitted.

At this point, I must admit that I am one of those people who don't know it can't be done. See, I loved this one nursing journal and my favorite columnist had retired. I thought I'd offer to take her place. I mean, why not? What would it hurt to ask, right?

Sera thought I was crazy. She didn't say so at the time, but even if she had, I would've ignored her. It's just in my nature to go for it.

I sent the query and sample on a Wednesday, I think. On Friday, the editor of the said publication responded. She loved the story and though they weren't looking for a columnist, they did need a blogger for their website.

I had no idea at the time what a blog was, so I began some intense research. In no time, I accepted and began posting. Better yet, I started getting paid!

So, for six months, I stressed myself out perfecting my blog. I left my novel behind.

It took nearly a year for me to revisit and complete it. But I did, in September of 2008. It took two years, but it was worth it. I had set a goal and accomplished it. Along the way, I learned a lot. I am still learning.

Now, I just have to figure out what to do with it!

In the Beginning

It all started with a comment. It was simple enough and said in passing. The laughter that surrounded it nearly shrouded it's essence. But when that comment was reiterated again in multiple contexts, the thought became an idea. That idea developed into a plan. That plan is now in action.
"You should write a book!" I was told again and again.
Well, I have. It's done. It took me two years, but I did it.
And now, I want to do something with it. The beginning of the book's future is starting today. So, here is to websites, blogging and all the successes I hope comes with it.