Friday, June 26, 2009

As soon as I...........

My kids' school year has ended. OH! The visions I had of my first full year of freedom. Yeah, well, very little of it happened. Why? Well....let's see.

A lot of it, I think, was plain, old adjustment. For the first time in my adult life, I had the ability to be on my own for six full hours. No more drop-offs or pick-ups at preschool. No more lunches to be made in the middle of the day. No interruptions from little people AT ALL from 8:30 am-3 pm. Truth be told, I was lost. I was not comfortable in the driver's seat of my life.

Next, I think guilt played a part. Suddenly, faced with me time, I felt that I owed it to my family to create the perfectly organized home. Except that, I didn't WANT to clean. I WANTED to write. So my two wants battled each other all year. AND I LET THEM!

And finally, the ugly beast of procrastination took over. I could write as soon as I _________ (fill in the blank!). I never finished _____________ because family life never ends. Therefore, I did not allow myself to freedom to work.

So now summer is upon me and the kids are home all day. In many ways, I'm relieved. No more hustle and bustle of routine. And sadly, I feel complete. My day is dictated by others, yet again.

My goal for this summer: live for today, enjoy what's in front of me, and take control of my future. It was scary being alone, but come this September I'll know better what to expect. Over the next few months, I plan to take action that forces change. Most importantly, I will stop saying "As soon as I....." Like the characters in my book, I need to stop starting to do something and just do it!

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