A Million Pieces

My mind has been blown to bits. It's nothing new, really. I think I am just sick of it. Every day I tell myself upon waking that today will be different. But it's not. By 4pm, I feel that I have accomplished nothing, even when everything is neatly in place.

What is strangling me? I've been asking myself this since April. I have yet to get an answer.

Why am I so freaking scattered? I used to like it. Now I find it exhausting.

How do I change?

Do I even want to?

Am I asking too many questions?

Yes, I think that is the problem. I feel like I am in limbo, stuck in a canyon. Maybe I have too many choices. Or maybe my world has grown too big.

Days are going by too fast. My life is moving forward, but I am stuck wondering what it is that I am looking for and no one to tell me.

Living in the now is very enjoyable-to a point. Just as soon as I begin to plan again, I feel interrupted. I must take control, but I am too tired to battle.

I guess a vacation is in order. I'm happy it's coming next week. In June, I realized a lot of things. Maybe in August I can start to live them.

A Different Type of Creative

Inspiration has eluded me lately. I don't feel like writing, which isn't all that surprising when I consider how chaotic I have let my life become.

But when I look at my calendar, I am shocked that I've been avoiding my gardens lately. It is NOT like me. By Memorial Day, I am itching to dig in the soil and bring dirt to life. And here it is, well past July 4th. Many of my annuals are dying in the containers I purchased them in.

What the heck is wrong with me? I wondered as I stared at the barren areas of my neighbor's yard. She already paid me to decorate her yard with my love of color. Guilt nearly consumed me.

And then, the sun came out!

It was as if angels started singing.

I started digging and couldn't stop. My husband caught the fever, too. And together, we created a bed that was perfect for me to fill.

Later that same night, I went to Home Depot. My instinct kicked in and I scooped up plants as fast as I spotted them. My heartbeat picked up pace; my blood pulsed through my body. I was finally inspired.

Those plants quickly made it into their new home. In fact, I ran out of plants and needed, yes...NEEDED more! The next day I went to a local nursery to finish my shopping, dragging my poor 10 year son along.

I worked late into the evening, but got it done. My neighbor now has a new garden to enjoy-as do I!

I can officially call myself inspired now. With minimal planning, I created a garden of love. It will take a year or two for it to be fully grown and beautiful to my standards, but how is that different from my novel? It's not really. It's merely a different expression of creative.

Now, it's back to the novel. I can not let this inspiration go.

This REALLY happened!

I haven't been writing. Why? Because my life feels like it is spiraling out of control. Every room in my house is a mess...and thus, my head. I can't bring myself to think and create while staring at piles of things that need to get done. This has been going on for WAY too long.

And then, my husband wrote TRANSFORMERS 2 on the calendar! My kids know that if something is written, it's going to happen. They were so excited to go, and I used that to my advantage. I know, evil isn't it?

So for one week, I told my kids to clean up or the movie was off.

And LOOK what happened!

They even cleaned the bathroom!

Ok, this miracle did not happen without some assistance. My lovely sister-in-law/babysitter helped the kids quite a bit. As did my husband...but I didn't have to do anything at all. THAT is what I appreciate.

AND NOW.....both kids are proud and willing to do even more. I feel I can get back to writing. Much of the guilt and anxiety I've been carrying is gone.

I guess I've realized something through this, too. I need to speak up about what I need, because my family WANTS to please me. And I want to please them. When we work together, life is a lot more enjoyable. AND we get to see great movies like Transformers 2 together.

Thanks Team K! I love you, even when I'm yelling at you!!!!

As soon as I...........

My kids' school year has ended. OH! The visions I had of my first full year of freedom. Yeah, well, very little of it happened. Why? Well....let's see.

A lot of it, I think, was plain, old adjustment. For the first time in my adult life, I had the ability to be on my own for six full hours. No more drop-offs or pick-ups at preschool. No more lunches to be made in the middle of the day. No interruptions from little people AT ALL from 8:30 am-3 pm. Truth be told, I was lost. I was not comfortable in the driver's seat of my life.

Next, I think guilt played a part. Suddenly, faced with me time, I felt that I owed it to my family to create the perfectly organized home. Except that, I didn't WANT to clean. I WANTED to write. So my two wants battled each other all year. AND I LET THEM!

And finally, the ugly beast of procrastination took over. I could write as soon as I _________ (fill in the blank!). I never finished _____________ because family life never ends. Therefore, I did not allow myself to freedom to work.

So now summer is upon me and the kids are home all day. In many ways, I'm relieved. No more hustle and bustle of routine. And sadly, I feel complete. My day is dictated by others, yet again.

My goal for this summer: live for today, enjoy what's in front of me, and take control of my future. It was scary being alone, but come this September I'll know better what to expect. Over the next few months, I plan to take action that forces change. Most importantly, I will stop saying "As soon as I....." Like the characters in my book, I need to stop starting to do something and just do it!